it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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