i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
