Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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