this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
