i barfeds in our rink
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
