Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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