He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
