I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
