If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
