I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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