She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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