wrigley field is MILF paradise
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.