I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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