Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
