I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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