I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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