A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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