pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
