He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
