I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
