Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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