I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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