i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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