just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
