i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
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I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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