She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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