"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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