I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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