never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
