ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
