And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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