i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
