Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
