i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
