i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
false alarm, still single
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
