guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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