Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
