I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I intend to get homeless drunk
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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