Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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