I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
