Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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