I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
