That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
