Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
