I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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