Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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