I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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