I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
