I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
