Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
