I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Michael Bay diarrhea
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
