My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
