Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
