I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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