Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
