Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
